First sangeetham class!
... and more diary entries from 13-year old me
Hello hello,
How are you all doing, my lovelies?
I have been missing long-form writing and blogging. I can’t wait to get back to doing it more. I have been revisiting old poetry, photography and paintings for my Dancing Colours series (which I have been posting on instagram).
But newsletters are much more intimate and reflective so I can’t wait to finish the series by the end of the month to step away from the social media limelight. Until then, I am back here to make an announcement: I had my first Carnatic Music class today!
It went much better than I expected. I listen to music a lot but I rarely sing when I am alone. So it was surprising to learn that I am a pretty good student. I had learned the basics of Carnatic Music as a child but abandoned it, among other things, because it takes extraordinary discipline for a day dreamer like me to be consistent.
And, so, I completely forgot that I can sing (and dance) at all.
I was surprised when I was reading some of my old diaries to find this entry from when I was 13:
“9th March, 2009
Math portion completed. Ma’am gave WS to do but of course no one did them. Some people were fighting, some were laughing, some were studiously completing notes, and I was singing. Then after sumtime Bhavani came & asked ‘what songs were u singing?’ I was shocked. She could hear them! I was embarrassed & blushing. I’m never confident when it comes to singing. I crave for sum1 to cum & tell me, “Meghana, you are a wonderful singer.” But nobody does so. I could do with sum flattery . You are the only one who knows me from deep inside, Anne. I love you! (sic)
11th March 2009,
Today I’ll tell you of my dreams. I dream to be famous. I want to be a rockstar like Hannah Montana. I want to compose yet I don’t want to be a singer. My 1st option will be being a scientist though. Frequently Disney channel does a rockstar hunt. This time I’ll participate when it comes. I like to be a editor, journalist too so I want to have a blog. But u see unless u publicise nothing will happen. So I’ll start it in 9th class. Meanwhile I will prepare myself. (sic)
12th March, 2009
Today I’m writing in a paper as I don’t have the diary. But I need to write urgently. Coz seriously I need sum1 to tlk to & I don’t have anyone. U are the only person apart from my family who know truly what I am. U know that I can sing, I dance, I play, jump, skip, etc. No one else does. That troubles me a lot!
Like today Vani Ma’am was absent, Shlok sir came. He asked us who sings in this class. I didn’t raise my hand, no-one asked me to. He asked who dances in this class. I, again, didn’t raise my hand. No-one thought abt me for once. Even the ones who know I can sing quite well. I feel so lowly & thought I will let myself out today. Sir asked 2-3 people to tell abt themselves. I hoped he’d call me & he did. I told my name. He gave a speech abt ‘Every2 has 2 say good morning’ & didn’t allow me to speak. So sickening. I suppose I need 2 stuff myself more now. Nobody understands my passion for music. I can listen to it 24 hrs!
This was supposed to be my speech:
I am Y. Meghana. I study in class 9. I am not wat everybody sees me as. I am not a boring sulky girl as any1 sees me as. I have a passion 4 music. I listen to it all the time. I sing, I dance, I draw. But the sad thing is I do everything well but nothing perfectly. I read a saying in Shiv Khera’s You Can Win bk. Better to improve yourself 1% in everything than 1000% in 1 thing. So my ultimate dream is to be an allrounder.
This speech means a lot for me. But for any1 else it might not be touching or emotional. You donno how it feels like to stuffy urself inside a physical body. It’s suffocating. You keep grasping, only it’s not for air, it’s for recognition. You feel lonely amongst a crowd. It is true. But the most sad part of everything is I even lost my only identity. Now I’m no longer the intelligent one too. When sir asked who studies very well, every 1 said V’s and P’s name. I can’t tolerate this. I’m invisible. I’m a nobody in this class. (sic)
13th March, 2009
U kno wat? God is gr8. He loves children who love him. I, as u kno, never blame god if I’m sad coz I always think my problems to be too small to blame god. B’coz of 1 fault, we can’t scold any1 for 99 other good things. Today was beautiful, I proved myself. Perplexed? Here goes the tale. Yesterday I hoped that god would give me another chance. I hoped Vani ma’am would be absent agn, Shlok sir wld cum again, etc. But sadly it didn’t happen. i was disappointed but god gave me a better opportunity. We had 2 games periods. 1st period we played. 2nd period boring. Sir brought a tape recorder with the song Jai Ho! No one was ready to dance when he asked to. I offered to try & did bits & pieces & was liked a lot. I danced really well. In 9th I will surely try to be a rockstar during the Music Talent Search.
P.s: I don’t want to be the intelligent one”
You might wonder: Why is this girl sharing long diary entries from when she was 13? I am sharing because I am honestly stumped by how much I have to learn from her! On 9th March, she was too nervous to display her talents to the world. On 11th march, she was dreaming about singing, dancing, and composing. On 12th march, the identity which the world rewarded her for, which was being good at academics, was taken away from her. So on 13th March she started dancing without a care about the world.
Now, I find that history is repeating itself.
29 year old me is only just remembering that I used to love singing and dancing as a child. I never pursued it because I felt I was not good enough at it. I was also never rewarded for it so I didn’t see the point. Then, having my identity of being “successful” in academia taken away, I jumped on opportunities to discover muscles which are so dear to me: The joy in my own two feet, the heart that lives in my vocal chords, and the hope of writing in a blog before `I get publicity’.
I found it poetic so I couldn’t help sharing.
On that note, I will now share a poem I have composed on my deep love for music, which I am enjoying discovering as an adult through carnatic music, bharatanatyam and poetic writing:
Jeevana Sangita Sudha
(The Nectar of Life's Song)
I live my life like a love song
I run my tongue
over each moment —
to savor the taste of it,
to enter the texture of it.
Appeased,
I catalogue it among
the moments that came before.
Does the music flow
like the silken first drops of rain,
like cool tendrils of morning breeze,
like the guileless gallop of a newborn heart?
Do the lines rise to a crescendo
from the deepest crevices of my soul?
And when they fall —
does silence wash over the world
in the colors of my own name?
To be an artist is—
to taste the nectar of God’s creation,
to sing the joy of being a child of the divine,
to shiver at the edge of the earth,
to rise with the calling of the heavens,
to know when the soul surges to fever pitch,
and to share that song
with the whole wide world.
Because this beauty,
birthed in the vast expanse of the heart,
was never mine to begin with.
The words must return
to where they came from—
onto the great canvas
of God’s own creativity,
from which I emerged—
as a brief crescendo,
rising again and again,
among infinite couplets of love,
among carefully crafted silences
to both sing
and be sung
into the breath of eternity
Currently inspired by:
Bharatiya Natya Sastra by Doordarshan on Youtube:
Great documentary film. Very timely watch because Bhagavad Gita, Natyashastra enter UNESCO’s Memory of the World Register. I am really surprised that they have not already been included because last year has been nothing short of a revelation as I learned so much about Indian Philosophy. It changed me!